Getting a conversation started on a first date isn’t easy for everyone.
Tom told me he found getting a conversation started especially hard for him. He isn’t much of a small talk person. For him, first date conversation feels worse than being stuck on a roller coaster ride, upside down, and naked. Figuring out what to say… Getting the listener interested…responding to what they have to say…it all feels like such a lot of work. Why even bother? Tom would rather stay home cuddled under his blankets, with his dog lying beside him on a cold winter night, than risk facing another failed date.
Who can blame him? If you find starting conversations really hard, no matter how badly you want a relationship, giving up just feels simpler.
Bare in mind that most people are not excited to be on yet another first date
In Hebrew we say “Kol hatchalot kashot.” All beginnings are difficult. But if we consider some realistic expectations that we have of ourselves when it comes to conversation, we can really make things flow much better.
For example, considering what we want our date to know about us is a good place to start. This can help us target our conversations better and ensure we cover important topics.
If we want them to know that we enjoy a good sense of humor, we can share some humorous (yet not too embarrassing stories) about something that happened to us.
If we want them to know that we’re spiritual, we can share a story about something that really made us feel alive and made us see the greater beauty in this world, and that made us realize that something much greater and larger than ourselves is in control.
For those of us who are super thrifty, we can talk about a great bargain we found the other day that made us really happy.
Tech people can share a new gadget they came across that they never imagined and talk about how this will improve people’s lives.
If we want our date to know how thoughtful we are, we can share the story about our last chessed trip to the hospital, or the last time we donated food to chayalim or the poor.
Coming up with stories and pieces of information at the ready can show the other person a lot about ourselves. If we were to only say, I have a good sense of humor, or I really appreciate a good sense of humor, our date may not believe it without a demo.
When we live up to our own expectations and come up with things to share about ourselves, we pave the way for our dates to step it up as well and enable an easier interaction. We have to realize that this may not always get a good conversation going as some people, no matter how hard you try, will never be impressed. It’s always worth making an effort on a first date, because you never know, they may have a friend that’s a better fit for you? It may tell us that this person has expectations that are too achievable, or that they simply aren’t into the things that you have to show them.
Most people, even if they don’t have the exact same hobbies or areas of interest as you, will feel attracted to or at the very least appreciate someone for making an effort. When we show interest in what someone has to say, it makes them feel good and think well of you. This can be a great first step in getting the attraction started.
Some of the things you can do to get conversation rolling on a first date include:
1) Take a deep breath before your date gets started and don’t forget to breathe throughout.
2) Notice your pace of conversation. Make sure it matches your date. If you’re too fast, slow down…too slow, speed up.
3) Don’t try to build Rome in a day. You don’t have to get every detail of a conversation in there. You can just share a piece of conversation and if it’s really interesting revisit on another date.
4) No matter how intense you are, try and keep it light.
5) Share a piece of information that reveals something about yourself, without giving it all away.
6) Share a story about something that made you feel excited or uplifted.
7) Talk about how your friends experience you.
8) Share cute stories about what you did as a kid.
9) Share cute stories about your friends’ kids, or your nieces and nephews.
10) Don’t expect the other person to provide the entertainment unless you have prepared as well.
By following these simple ideas you should be well on your way to being able to get a conversation rolling on every date.
If you still find first date conversations daunting, drop me a line and let me know how I can help: [email protected].