When it comes to our love lives, most of us hope that the love of our life will be obvious. We’re not always clear about all the details, but most of us are hopeful that something magical will make it clear that this is “THE ONE”. Consciously creating love is the opposite of expecting love to fall in our laps.

Some of us have expectations of how our partner will look at us… How we’ll feel when we’re with them…

Many overthink how we should feel with this person, and what they should do to make it obvious that they’re “IT”. Lots of us are unaware how little time we think about how our actions contribute to creating a positive dynamic.

If more of us considered what positive actions or attributes we bring to a relationship, the better things would go. The less we’d actually demand from our partners.

Here’s a list of some positive things we can do to contribute to the betterment of our relationships. While this may be bleeding obvious to many, for some these may actually be challenging.

List of positive things we can do to better improve our relationship:

Be super patient: Know that what may come easily for us may be super challenging for our partner.

Heap on empathy: When our partner is down, give lots of hugs and cuddles.

Be vulnerable: Don’t hide your feelings, let them show

Don’t expect, always ask: While it would be nice for our partner to just get us, life simply doesn’t work like that. When we need something from our partner like patience and understanding, we need to clearly express this.

Know that you or your partner won’t always get things right: Give space for mistakes and lots of room for forgiveness

Don’t take things your partner does that upsets you personally: Know that if your partner loves you and is doing something that upsets you, it’s not intentional. They may just need to know how you feel.

By putting certain expectations onto ourselves (without turning into a dishrag of course) we can free our minds to focus on what we can control, rather than hoping for or resisting things that we don’t have any control over.
For more examples of these tips check out this link:

Be Super Patient:

We all operate on different speeds. Some of us like to take our time, others are speedy Gonzalez. Often the speedy ones get cross with the slower ones for not getting on top of things quickly enough. This is often a place of friction. Rather than expecting our partner to operate at the same speed as ourselves, we have a choice, either accept the difference in speed and wait patiently, or if it is really urgent that it be tended to immediately, do it yourself. This applies to household chores, paying bills, tending to health issues, purchases, organizing family outings you name it. By figuring out whom is better at dealing with what and managing your speed expectations, you will be better able to calm down and know that things will get done, it just may take a few hairs longer.

Heap on Empathy:

When you feel annoyed at your partner for feeling down, or not being on top of things as much as they should, by showing empathy you will actually energize them to feel better and get back on their game. Criticizing them will only make them more reluctant to bounce back.

Be vulnerable: By sharing your softer feelings like loneliness and longing for your partner you will deepen your connection with them and help them to understand the deep needs you have to connect with them.

 

 

 

Don’t expect, Ask: Expecting your partner to know what you need from them at any given time isn’t fair. Just because you appear busy, or vegging out in front of the TV during prime time when the house is upside down and the kids are climbing the walls doesn’t mean your partner knows to just pick up the slack. It’s also unfair to expect things of our partners. It’s important to stay in regular contact about these things. This way no one feels taken for granted.

Know that your partner will make mistakes and do things to upset you:

Your ideas about vanity, tidiness, aesthetics, may vary. Occasionally your partner will make decisions that’ll tick you off. By staying focused on what’s most important, your relationship and wanting your partner to feel loved by you, you’ll keep yourself out of trouble by expressing feelings in ways that aren’t hurtful. This isn’t to say you should shy away from expressing your feelings, but rather choose your words carefully and forgive.

Don’t take things your partner does as a personal attack:

Early on in marriage, lots of couples make the mistake of getting upset with their partner and assuming things they disagree with are done intentionally or as a personal attack. While it’s natural to feel this way, as marriage tests our sense of self, we need to know that it’s normal to make decisions or say things that don’t go down especially well.

By keeping our eye on the ball (happiness and health of our relationship) and focused on what truly matters, we’ll be able to build over time a more connected relationship that feels more satisfying as you get to know one another more each new day.

If you’d like some help with creating a consciously loving relationship, drop me a line at mlavinpell@gmail.com