After dating her boyfriend, Rob for 5 months Arianne realized the excited feeling she used to have when she was around him was wearing off. She still enjoyed being around him, but the initial zip that gave her that buzzy feeling disappeared. It just felt normal to be around him now. Arianne felt she needed a relationship upgrade.
She found herself starting to get annoyed by things he did like stretching in the middle of the street out of nowhere, not finishing his stream of consciousness and not focusing on her as much as he once did.
When Arianne feels as though Rob isn’t as present for her as he should be, she begins to fantasize about what it would be like with someone else. Her mind begins to leave the relationship and all the good that exists with him. She begins to imagine what someone else would do under certain circumstances.
Arianne finds it difficult to consider what she needs to do to initiate the sizzle and excitement. She finds it much easier to just leave it up to him.
To help Arianne and Rob get their relationship back on track, I suggested the following things to reboot and upgrade the relationship:
- Create space to consider the good that exists in the relationship
When we spend lots of time in the same space as our partner we sometimes take one another for granted. By creating designated purposeful distance between ourselves when we come together we can bring a new revitalized energy that wasn’t there before.
- Reflect on what attracted you to one another in the first place
When things begin to feel hard, the early memories of what brought us together begin to dull. Our minds are designed to remember negative memories more than positive ones as a protective mechanism. Negative memories are designed to keep us from getting into trouble. This is why we need to work harder to remind ourselves of the good stuff.
We need to create a cache of positive memories and experiences and store it in an easy to access part of our mind, for easy retrieval when things get tough.
- Remind yourself of the fun you have when you’re together
Focus on the positive things in your lives, especially when challenges arise. And G-d knows they will. We all have difficult stuff to deal with, so being able to easily access the positive memories and talk about them with your partner is crucial.
- Consider what you bring to the relationship and how this dynamic brings out the best in you.
It’s sometimes easy to over focus on what we expect our partner to do. But it’s super important to consider how you’re a better person with your partner in your life. Consider what challenges your partner poses that raise you up and make you a better person. While some challenges can really bring you down, the long term benefits should outweigh the short term pain.
Check out this article I wrote on building awareness:
- Imagine how your joint talents can create the kind of dynamic that propels your relationship forward.
While your differences may sometimes clash, pooling your strengths and talents together can make you feel more connected and work better as a team. The more you concentrate on the positive aspects of your differences the less frustrated you will be and the better you’ll work together.
Check out this blog on how to celebrate your differences and make sure they don’t tear you apart:
When we upgrade our devices we expect a newer better functioning system that works with similar parameters. Upgrading our relationship is no different. We needn’t throw away what we have to get the upgrade we require. By acknowledging new realizations and awareness about what we need from a relationship, we don’t have to throw out the baby with the bathwater and start from scratch. We can just reboot, and incorporate the changes by acknowledging what we need from ourselves and gingerly yet directly, communicate what we need from our partner.