We were all raised on beautiful, fairy tale fantasies. Where the Prince marries the gorgeous girl and they live happily ever after. They ride into the red and orange haloed sunset on a white stallion with a magnificent, towering castle in the background which promises only joy and prosperity. How many couples try and recreate this fairy tale fantasy on their wedding day and in their lives? We all want to live happily ever after. That’s why the fairy tales are reproduced again and again in our theaters. They feed into our fantasy of the way our life should be. Of the way our partner should be; the shining Prince with a sky high bank balance and a six pack to match; the magnificent woman of Barbie proportions with the benevolence of Mother Teresa.
Of course reality is different. We are rudely brought down to earth as our beloved slurps their soup (it was really hot), spills their coffee every morning on the table for you to wipe up, keeps forgetting to pay the electricity bill so the power is cut, comes home every evening to beer and TV. The examples are endless of how real life encroaches on our dearly held fantasies. This can leave us wordlessly frustrated and angry.
When you suddenly blow up after the unwashed mug is left in the sink for the umpteenth time, both of you are left surprised. Where did that disproportional outburst come from? It’s just a mug. Disproportionate behaviour is a clue to latent expectations or issues that are held unconsciously. Sometimes they are privately hidden in our inner child’s mind. ‘My dad always had to do the washing up after my slothful mother. I don’t want to be a sissy like him,’ we may have been thinking. or ‘In our house my mother did all the dishes, I never to be a washing up shmata like her.’
Most of the time we’re not aware of these thoughts that make us angry and behave irrationally. Discuss this with your partner, or write about the incident so that you can get in touch with what was really going on for you. Sometimes a trained therapist can help you uncover your unspoken assumptions in your relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with fairy tales or having expectations. The only issue is if they’re not realistic and are causing unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings.
The main thing to remember is that there’s no such thing as the perfect partner or relationship. Only you can create your own “happily ever after” by investing in working on yourself and your relationship.
What fantasy is getting in your way of creating a healthy and realistic relationship? Email me: [email protected]